LGBTQ + Couples Counseling in San Francisco
In some ways, LGBT and queer couples are like any people seeking help for their relationship. The gay, lesbian, trans, bi and queer people who come to see me are usually two people who love each other, but are distressed and overwhelmed by a problem in their relationship. When first contact me, they desperately want to feel happier with themselves and with each other. Like many couples who are not part of the queer community, LGBT and queer couples who seek relationship counseling are often looking for support:
Learning better communication habits and conflict resolution skills.
Noticing when strong emotions in the present are tied to earlier life experiences
Cultivating an ability to speak productively about these experiences
Learning as a couple how to cope when one or both people in the couple are dysregulated
Making space for both people’s feelings in the relationship.
Learning how to speak and listen in order increase understanding
Becoming a unified team that supports one another well
Negotiating areas of true disagreement
Unique Concerns for Queer Couples
Love is love, for sure. I have found, though, that there are certain topics that are discussed more frequently in LGTBQ relationships. Some of these discussions would only occur in the context of queer partnership. This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but some examples include:
Whether, when and where to be discrete about identity.
Whether and when to be monogamous.
If non-monogamous, how non-monogamous? And many other conversations about boundaries.
If having kids, conversations about how to create a family (i.e. in-vitro, sperm donors, surrogates, etc.)
Conversations about gender-transitions and the impact (or not) on sexual desire, identity of a non-transitioning partner and family relationships outside of the couple unit (for example, with kids, in-laws, etc.)
Concerns related to identity when the couple is traveling (i.e. gender markers on travel documents, which political regions are safe for travel, etc.).
The stress on a couple caused by homophobic or transphobic family rejection of a partner.
In couples with differing cultural backgrounds, sometimes differing views of family obligations and cultural understandings of gender or sexual identity.
Increased stress in the couple (sometimes causing irritability and arguments) following news events or political circumstances that impact our community.
Couples Therapy with a Queer-Identified Therapist
I know many wonderful, culturally-astute, and non-judgemental therapists who are not part of the LGBTQ community. I can say with certainty that there are many therapists outside of our community who work well with people inside of our community. I refer to these therapists often and consider many of them friends. Nonetheless, I understand that some clients feel strongly about working with a gay, queer or trans therapist to help with queer relationship troubles. These clients seek someone who “gets it” without lengthy explanations.
The LGBTQ+ couples who come to see me are usually looking specifically for a queer therapist or a gay therapist. They know that couples therapy will require sharing intimate details about their lives. These couples seek an unambiguously supportive space so that they can focus on what is important—caring for the relationship that is precious to them. They worry about the potential for misunderstandings or awkwardness with a therapist who isn’t part of the community. Or they expect that they will feel too distracted, wondering what a straight therapist thinks of them. These clients anticipate that working with a LGBTQ-identified therapist will allow them to let down their guard enough to talk honestly about relationship.
Some clients also find it important to know that their therapist has had some of the same life experiences as them. They like knowing that their therapist has had their own journey with gender and sexuality, their own experience of coming out, and their own experience of the world’s response when one’s identity and desires don’t match social expectations.
If you and your partner are interested in exploring couples therapy with me, I encourage you to contact me. If you feel ready to get started now, now is wonderful time to reach out. I will be happy to hear from you.
Schedule Online, call 415-881-8260 or email me.